I think that we have what it takes to get this heart start beating again.

Intersection of i can't sleep and i don't want to.

Words

So my computer is a 4 on the dead scale. Ten meaning it is gone, one meaning it is starting to act weird. I think it is slowly fading. I’m slightly irked about it. meh, I suppose I can’t really do anything about it. Technology is so short lived.

I don’t really care to post narratives, where I am speaking directly to my audience because it seems too personal for me. I generally prefer third person because it gives me some distance to run if I mess up in my words. Even though I know that it greatly confuses other people.

I’ve been doing a lot of search on this planet, in my heart, and in my mind. I believe I have come up with some interesting things. Maybe I’m speaking to people who already understand all of this, but it seems new to me.

I was sitting in the ETBU quad some time back. Thinking on my life, wondering how in the world I had gotten to the place where it was. You know the normal thing you do in the quad if your not listening to the freshman guitarist. And I started to look at the Jesus statue holding his cast net. And I thought about what it visually represented. He is standing on a the Star of David, he looks like he was Americanized, He is staring straight over you, which is pretty impressive because I’m six foot tall give or take a few inches. And when you knock on him being metal you hear that he is hallow with a few support beams inside. At first I wasn’t impressed, to me it spoke as though this statue represent him as being impersonal, "crushing Judaism beneath his feet", there is no substance to him, and that we make him fit our lives. But sitting there in the quad that day, I saw that statue in a different light. I saw it as a reminder that Jesus is God. Even though He is a personal God, that he cares about the individual, He will also have His will His way. Meaning it will be done. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I think sometimes we get so caught up in calling Him "Dad" that we forget He is the "Lord of Hosts" or "Lord of Armies". It also showed me a certain humbleness about God. That He just stands there and waits for you to pay attention to him. He doesn’t scream out forcing you to do something. I’m not that patience; if I want your attention I will get it. But he just stands there at your heart’s door. That is incredible to me.

            My mind dwelled on that for quite some time. Then it seemed like it purposely and uncontrollably shifted to a memory of when I was in the band in high school. To me, being in a good band is a powerful thing. It is the will of just a few to hundreds all moving and shifting their emotions together, showing their personalities. Bowing down to let someone express his or her gifts in a solo. Moving in unison, while playing different parts harmonizing together, all making beautiful noise, showing dynamics in emotions from morbidly sad to pompously happy; Comical to serious, and everything in between, near and far. As I was thinking on this, a tear came to my eyes, I began to see how this was how God wants us to act. To make beautiful music together, sharing things moving as one going through dynamics emotions through life together. Be loud, be silent, be happy, be sad; all together. Then another memory hit, it hit hard and low. It seemed like blood in my mouth. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to express the memory but it was the equivalent to the roman guards gambling for the Jesus’ robe: Playing games at the foot of the cross, much like playing games in the church. It hurts me bad when I see things like that. I wonder how in the world can someone be so close to the heart of something so great, and completely not get it. I seriously get sick to my stomach wanting to vomit when I think about things like that. Yeah, I understand that people in this world don’t believe that there is such a thing as sin…But one who knows better, yet still does it?… Or quoted, "There is no right and wrong any more." in all seriousness, I laughed, and then I realized the person was being serious. I walked away in a shocked state all the while rubbing my forehead trying to figure out how that was possible.  I suppose it is the age we live in. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t label myself as conservative but I also wouldn’t label myself liberal either. [Audience member mumbles to self, "meh, a fence rider, bah."] My perspective is the conservative ones where the Sadducees and the Pharisees, the liberal one in the picture there is Jesus. But on the other hand in the midst of the drunkards and prostitutes was Jesus; in this picture the conservative one was Jesus. So I would say that I am like that. I, however, am not saying that I’m equivalent to Jesus. I just get bothered when Christian people say, "Your core group of friends needs to be Christian people". If that where true, (A) I wouldn’t have had any friends growing up and (B) a lot of my friends/people wouldn’t have become Christians. However, I do understand that it is good advice, but at the same rate, I believe myself to be firm in my foundation. I have stared doubt in its face, and I understand what I believe and why I believe it. Granted I do understand that there are things I just don’t know yet that do come with age. I am just saying I am strongly against separation of people groups no matter what. Because we are all humans, I wish people would put themselves in other people shoes. I wish everybody saw complexities that go beyond themselves. Though, I suppose it is fun being selfish.

            I wonder to myself, if people who believe in evolution and survival of the fittest truly believe in that. I mean, if this where true we wouldn’t have a problem killing infants that look sickly, or elderly people. We wouldn’t set up things such as social security and welfare. We’d probably say something along the lines of, "Screw you", way more often. I also don’t see a lot of people mating with people who have severe genetic abnormalities. If these people believe in evolution then why aren’t they trying to further the evolution process? It to me is a little fishy, when even scientists say that mutated genomes generally cause eventual serialization. Well, if we are a mutated genome that has evolved then, why the heck are there still humans around? Why do we have morals and the rest of the animal kingdom not? It all seems a little hypocritical to me. However, I’m reminded of a book, this girl is in dialog with this cat, she protests to the cat, "Why are you playing with your food?" she goes on and in response that cat says, "At least I give my food the opportunity to escape." I suppose one could say that perhaps we too are the ones without morals. But that is why I love the Bible and Christianity so much. It explains what life was like before it went wrong, what when wrong with it, what God was going to do about it, what He did about it, and then the consequence. Granted that is grossly over simplified but it is also the same thing that separates Christianity from all other religions. Most other religions ignore that something is wrong with the world, or if they do acknowledge that there is something wrong, they express that it is wrong and that is just the way things are. But Christianity expresses, "Hey we understand that this isn’t right, and this is what we have done and are going to do about it." And if you are curious what this something wrong is, it is sin.

Title Less

Fight of the Night.